An Article by Barry Sullivan

Dating, Disobedience and Credit Card Debt?

By Pastor Barry Sullivan 

It seems as though every few years a subject comes up that I must let people know my feelings on... dating. 

Strangely -- or thankfully -- this hasn't been an issue in our youth group for almost 5 years now.  For the most part the teens have been more in tune to who God is, than to what the world is trying to shove on them concerning dating relationships. 

Are our teens weird?  No.  They've just fallen in love with Jesus... not Julie, James, Jenna, or John.  Get the picture?

In sharing my thoughts on the subject, I suppose it will provoke some to anger and others to agreement… but hopefully it will provoke all of you to think -- and to make decisions.

I'll start off by telling you this... I don't think that ANY teenager should be dating.  Let me follow that by saying that I don't think a lot of people in their 20's, 30's, and beyond should be dating either -- but for now, let's focus on the teen years. 

Now, I realize that many parents may not agree with me on that and will let their teens go ahead and date anyway.  That is their choice.  However, they usually end up having to pick up the pieces of a broken heart later on -- or worse, having to patch their son or daughter’s life back together after even worse mistakes are made all in the name of what teens THINK is love.
 
So -- what is the FIRST question a teen should ask when it comes to dating?  Easy... "What do my parents say – am I even allowed to date?" 

Now, why is that so important? The simple reality comes down to showing honor to your parents.  When you don't, and specifically disobey, it is sin.  Plain and simple. 

The Bible says in 1 John 3:4 that "sin is to disobey God's law".  Well, you can read the 10 Commandments in the Old Testament books of Deuteronomy 5 and Exodus 20.  Of the 10 Commandments, number 5 is "honor your father and mother".  Deliberate disobedience is NOT honor.  It's sin. 

Ouch.  The sad truth is that MANY of you who are reading this may not be allowed to date, but you are sneaking around behind parents' backs to do it.  I hope this last simple paragraph alone is enough to cause you to stop in your tracks, confess your sin to God, go tell your parents and ask their forgiveness (and live with whatever punishment you get), and then break it off with Sam or Susie -- or whatever their name is.

"What's the big deal, it's only dating?" is probably the thing on your mind right now.  Well, the next thing to ask is (and most can't answer this subjectively) , "Where am I in my relationship with God right now?" 

To get an honest answer, you should ask your youth pastor, pastor, or another Christian adult who you can trust to tell you the truth.  Someone who has been overlooking sin in your life is NOT the adult to go to.  You want someone who is going to challenge you and care enough to speak the truth, even when it hurts.

OK – you’re about to read my simple synopsis on dating. 

I say all of this from personal conviction, what I get from God's Word, and from the experience of having been a youth pastor to hundreds of teens over the past 17 years. 
Whenever I've talked to teens about dating over the years, I’ll always first ask them what that term means to them.  Regardless of what explanation they give, what always comes back to me can be summed up in one word: "ownership". 

When teens say they are "dating someone," what they really mean without knowing it is that the are the "exclusive owners of that person's time, attention, and affections." 

When I explain it like that, they usually disagree — and maybe you just have, too.  But, the reality is that it is about ownership.  Think about this; you are driving down the street and you see the person you are "dating" walking along with someone of the opposite sex.  They are both laughing, and you see them playfully hitting each other's arm. 

As you get closer, you notice that the other person is someone you know.  In fact, it is someone that you have heard likes the one you are dating. 

How do you feel in that moment?  Angry?  Jealous?  Like you want to do something to them?  Those are the typical responses, right?  But, in all honesty, do you have a right to feel that way? 

You may think you do — but you don't.  You're thinking right now, "But, hey, it’s my boy/girlfriend!"  BINGO.  Ownership.  Do you see that? 

Dating really boils down to the fact that we feel that "no one else can spend time with them like I do, receive their attention like I do, or be affectionate with them like I am".  That is ownership.  Is it right?  No!

The only time that this mentality is right is in an exclusive relationship... in other words: engagement and marriage. 

WOW — pretty serious, huh?  Yeah!  You see, during your teen years God doesn't intend for you to be in that kind of relationship where another person "owns" anything about you.  GOD is the one who should own those things in us first and foremost.  When He does, only then is a person ready to even begin considering a dating relationship. 

Are you ready for that kind of relationship in your teen years?  Not typically.  Does God intend for you to be walking around jealous and worried that the guy or girl you are dating is talking with or spending time with someone else of the opposite sex?  No.

The Bible says in Proverbs 27:4, "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?"  In Proverbs 14:30, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."  Wow!

Now let me share with you another twist on this. My wife and I don't use credit cards anymore.  When we were younger we did a lot, and at the time it got us into debt.  We kick ourselves now for where we could be financially if we hadn't over-used credit cards. 

The thing about credit cards that is so appealing, is how they work.  Simply put, I can "buy" something today and not have to pay for it until later. 

The reality is, that many people are walking around using credit cards but they don't have the money in the bank to back up their credit. 

Let's say that I go out and buy a new TV.  I take it home, take it out of it's packaging, and plug it in.  I use it everyday for all kinds of things, but then three weeks from now I decide that I don't feel like having this TV anymore; that there is another one I've seen in the newspaper that looks better to me.  So, what do I do?  I can put it in the back of the car and take it back to the store.  Will they give me cash back for the TV?  Nope!  They put the credit back on my credit card. 

OK... did the TV cost me anything to use for those three weeks?  Nope!  No cash ever left my pocket or my bank account, and I took the TV back before the payment was due.  I had all the benefits of owning that TV without any of the responsibility.  

That is what happens in most dating relationships.  You give each other all of the benefits of an exclusive relationship, but without any of the responsibility. 

You don't have enough stored up in your emotional and spiritual bank account to back up what you are "spending".  You can both walk away (or just one person as it usually happens) and effectively say, "Oh well, that didn't work -- but whoa!  Look at that person over there... maybe it will work with THEM!"  And off you go into another relationship. 

Meanwhile, you are giving more and more of your heart away, and letting down more and more of your guard, to the point where you think, "I've got to do something extreme to make sure that this one sticks around!"  

That is what gets us you in trouble… and leaves you kicking yourself later on for where you could be at emotionally and spiritually if only you had just stayed pure. 

What does God want for you?  The best!  The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 that God knows the plans that He has for us, “not plans to harm you, but to prosper you and give you hope and a future."  

God is not sitting up in Heaven trying to think of ways for you to be unhappy or feel left out when "everyone else" is dating.  It's so much better for young people to just hang out in groups and be friends, without the exclusiveness and pressure of what is considered dating today. 

Your friends may think it strange that you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend “like everyone else does,” but then again — you won't have the heartache that they do either.

Barry Sullivan has been involved in ministry to youth for the past 17 years.  He and his wife, Tracy, currently pastor Spirit Life Harvest Church in Oldsmar, FL and are the proud parents of 4 sons ranging in age from 9 to 19 years old.  Along with pastoring, Barry also oversees “The 40 Day Revolution” arm of Operation Light Force, an evangelism and discipleship ministry based in the Tampa Bay area.

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